Stolen books, goats, Dio and heroin.

Another old favorite... this happened to me back in L.A. when I was apartment hunting. Maybe I should have moved in...

It's always fun to move. The never ending apartment search. The money spent. The box collecting. The hassle. But never before have I experienced this particular incident.

I found this guy online who was renting out a room in his Echo Park cottage. What attracted me was that he said he had three pet goats. As you may know, I'm a freak about ponies... so a goat is the next best thing. I set up an appointment to check the place out.

I went by the place after work one day last week. It was a small yellow house behind another house. The driveway was steep. I absently thought about how I'd have to keep a pair of sneakers with me for when I came home from clubs and such. I pictured myself tumbling down the steep driveway and falling on my face.

The door was open, so I walked in. The guy who owned the place (let's call him Sam) came out with an electric toothbrush in his mouth. He started talking to me with a mouth full of toothpaste. (He didn't rinse until 10 minutes later) He showed me the room he was renting out. It was tiny with purple walls, dirty carpeting, and a mannequin in one corner. I wasn't thrilled with it. He showed me the rest of the house. He had a million books. Three bookshelves FILLED with brand new books. Then he said, "I stole these books. Thousands of dollars worth. I believe that I have the secret of the universe somewhere in these books." Nice. He pointed at his shirt. "See this shirt? I stole it. Urban Outfitters. It's a cool shirt, ain't it?" It wasn't THAT cool. But then, their shirts ARE pretty pricey. I was still thinking about the stolen books thing though.

By the way, Sam looks like the drug addict in "Less than Zero." On a bad day.

Then I hear a "Bahhhh" coming from the backyard. I said, "Oh, let me see your goats!" We go outside and I pet the goats. They were adorable. I wanted to take them with me. Sam has a weird little area set up under a tree. He had a couch under it, a coffee table, a radio and umbrella hanging in the branches, and candles lit. It was strange. I sit on the couch with one goat in my lap and the other eating my shirt sleeve. He proceeds to tell me the story of every roommate he's ever had. He offers me some weed. I told him I couldn't, I had to drive. He said I needed to be on his level. I told him I didn't think so. He then pointed to the other side of his yard and told me he grew it over there. Nice. Now I'm picturing the police raiding the place while I'm sleeping.

Sam got into a whole thing about reincarnation, the secrets of the universe, and Buddhism. At this point I was only still there because it was entertaining. He took me to this other little room and showed me his spell books. He said all he ever did was read. I wondered if he knew about libraries. Beats the hassle of stealing.

I asked him where his other roommate was. He said he didn't know. I found out his roommate is in Dio. DIO. REMEMBER THEM?

He also told me that he might be going to jail for a month, so I would have to feed the goats for him. I didn't ask.

Anyway, as he was talking about his magic books, he pulls out a small metal box. I didn't pay much attention. The goats were still chewing on my clothes and key chain. He started taking things out of the box. Some foil, a lighter, some other stuff. I finally took a look at what he was doing. I said, "Making something?" He said, "Just smoking a little heroin." Ohhhhkay. That was my cue. I said, "I better get going." He said, "Are you moving in? Please move in. I think you would be the greatest roommate." I told him I'd let him know. As I walked out, I entertained the thought of grabbing one of the goats. But I didn't do it.

Sometimes I go by that apartment and I wonder if the goats are still there, and if the guy has gone to jail yet... I guess I'll never know.