How to look like you are 25 forever.

Now you too can get asked for I.D. when buying wine and/or cigarettes. Here are my secrets to the fountain of youth.

1. Sell your soul to the devil and/or have good genes.

2. Be Japanese, Chinese, Filipino or Thai. And if you're not- well, that's tough. Skip to 4.

3. If you are any of the above, stop reading. You will look young forever and therefore you don't have to worry. Get off the computer and go be youthful and cute somewhere else, you lucky little minx.

4. Drink an absurd amount of water. Who cares if you have to use the bathroom every five minutes. You'll have the last laugh 20 years from now with your fresh, fully hydrated skin.

5. Face lotion. Glop it on like there's no tomorrow. This is very important. Don't ask questions, just do it.

6. Have a younger significant other. For obvious reasons.

7. Don't move. Ever wonder why tortoises live 100 years? They don't do much.

8. Stop opening your mouth. Not only can excessive talking be extremely annoying to others around you, it's a fast track to wrinkle city.

9. Sleep. A lot. I'm talking in the range of at least 15 hours a day.

10. Don't get a job. Work can be very stressful and stress ages you, so I strongly advise against it. Instead, you should fill your days rolling down hills, sliding off rainbows and feeding animals in petting zoos.


That's all. Oh, and eat your vegetables.