You know how you can just tell when life as you know it is about to drastically change? And you aren't quite sure how it will change but you know it's going to?
I've been enjoying the last three years of my very bohemian lifestyle immensely: Lazy days spent in various London parks with friends and lying in the grass while gazing at the sky, endless laughter and good times with good friends in the pubs, playing music all day at the record shop, creating art and trying to sell it all in the market... gigs. Random trips. Random people. Adventures. It's why I left everything behind in L.A.
But, as with most things in life, it can't last forever. Not exactly, anyway. I'm just not quite sure what's next. I do know that I've got to return to the states to take care of some things for a few months in autumn. Time to regroup, work hard, save some money for more adventures: SXSW in Austin, Las Vegas, oh and of course Disneyland. Then hopefully come back. But, anything could happen along the way.
Random questions drift in and out of my mind lately, such as:
Am I gonna have a panic attack when I stay in my old room while visiting my mother in Oregon? I'm always afraid that if I go back for a little while, I'll feel like the last 14 years of my life never happened.
Will it feel strange to go back to using quarters, nickels, dimes and dollar bills?
Am I going to want to turn around and run back when it's time to board the plane? Probably.
This city is an overwhelming shock to the system of colourful people, places, history, beauty and time seems to accelerate here. Finding time for myself is like trying to jump off of a fast-moving carousel. But I love almost every minute of it.
As much as I love my life here, there are parts that I find somewhat sad. (I may get into trouble for this one!) The same pubs with the same people, some who are constantly searching for something, desperately chasing a good time or just waiting for a fresh face to walk through the door to either save or ruin. Nameless faces on the tube with their eyes turned anywhere except to yours. Interchangeable, disposable and meaningless partners and lovers who seem to always stay in the same incestuous circles... and how lonely they seem to be. Ahh well, it's the same in any big city where there is too much, too fast.
I'm thinking that the future is bright, open, hazy and swirling with colour. I have pictures in my head of a life in the desert with the hot wind in my hair and I'm sitting on a non existent front porch of an imaginary house that could be mine someday. Or traveling, road trips, closing my eyes and picking a spot on a map and just going. And of course, I think of being here again.
Really, all I want is a life less ordinary. And make really great memories. Lots of them.
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Not actually kidding: I cried a little bit while reading this. I'm constantly finding myself at this stage of the game -- why else would I move to eight different cities in three different countries in five years on purpose? As long as I've known myself, I've always been chasing some ineffable I'm-not-sure-what... but I'm never willing to sit around long enough to wait for it properly. Too restless, too impatient, too hungry. Too much desire in my stomach and chest, too much jazz in my feet. Always eventually a little depressed by the stasis of the particular bohemia I find my way into (notice how I haven't been out in Camden in, like, ages? I can't handle it at least until after I go to the States next month and take a BREAK).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, in conclusion, YES, I definitely know those feelings. And am feeling them too. I love you so much, man.
~ jenny
Oh Joy
ReplyDeleteThis is beautifully written and really sad.
Maybe you should get the hell out of Camden more often. It is sometimes like a small village in a large city. It would be a shame to see you leave, but then I can save up and meet up with you in Austin (and Las Vegas). Hey, you could go there and do exactly the same shit!!
Your life is NOT ordinary at all, in fact it is extraordinary. You should try working at a straight job day in day out. That is ordinary.
I hope you find what you are looking for...it really is a joy to have you living here. I feel partly responsible for enticing you to London.
Ali
x
I think this blog came out more melancholy sounding than intended... I should have elaborated more on all of the great things about life here. I guess it is a bit sad as well though, as I do have to go back in Sept. and I don't really want to... but in the end, it will be a good thing and worth it. You can't get rid of me so easily! :) And you know that when I say I'm going to come back, I will! xx
ReplyDeleteso you weren't just placating me when you said you'd be in l.a. oct 2??? i am selfish enough to be thrilled! i have a feeling the next chapter in your saga will be epic and life changing. - shelley
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